this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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