who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
