I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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