did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize