im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
