Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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