why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
