y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
