Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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