No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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