I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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