I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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