She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
