There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
