You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
