I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
