PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
