Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I have already put on my inside pants.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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