it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
