moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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