DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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