I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
