I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
