haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
smell my finger.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
