i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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