I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
He has the fingertips of a God
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
