Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
