I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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