She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
