she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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