she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
