HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
