The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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