Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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