The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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