I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
