Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
