you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
