i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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