True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize