i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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