from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
