i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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