I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
