I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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