STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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