Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
