I think I won the penis lottery.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
