just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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