you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
