New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my being single is dangerous.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
