I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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