I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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