who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
