im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
