Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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